Faith and Betrayal
Lazerous' Diary Page - Last Will and Testament
Written on a loose sheet of parchment in a childlike script, found fluttering around inside a crashed guncutter on the forbidden planet of Mara, is the following:
Last Will and Testimate
of Sir Captain Doctor Edward Roosevelt Lazerus Geth Esq. PhD
I fear this may be my last entry for a while. The ghosts have been called to Mara, probably for a family reunion or something, and I’ve been tasked to follow along and keep them out of trouble. Given what the ol’ space pirates used to say about the accursed planet I fear there may be trouble. No, not like having to dry clean Red’s underware trouble… I mean like Mr. Quaint not dying a horrible death kind of trouble! Scary…
In the event, unlikely but possible, I don’t make it back from our outing on the frozen wasteland that is wherever it is we’re going, I wish to make my intentions crystal clear.
First off, Mr. Quaint is not, I repeat NOT, invited to my funeral! I’ll be sad enough as it is without having to look at him. And I want a party, a big one! With lots of people, but only those who liked me. And a cake, one of those giant multi tiered ones that couples buy all the time. And balloons, nice ones with puppies on them that say ‘get well soon’. Also, make sure I get the first piece of that cake, it’s my funeral after all and I want to make sure I get to try it.
Now on to my stuff. First and foremost I leave my entire collection of Space Marine Monthly to Gary. I know he can’t read, but I’m sure he’ll enjoy the pictures of guns and people getting murdered.
I leave my gun, Susan, and my other gun, also Susan, to Sebastian. I know he’s had trouble in the past, but I’m sure he learned his lesson after the incident at Denny’s. I’m sure he’ll be a great asset to the team and won’t likely kill anyone important.
I leave my precious bone-saw to nurse Ariel. I know she’ll likely loose it but I want her to have it. Perhaps one day she may even use it to finish her studies and become a great doctor like me, although I doubt it…
To the Twins, Lys and Ross, I leave two sealed boxes. One containing a rock that will grant its holder the ability to look like a guy holding a rock, and the other containing a second box that likely also contains a rock, although not magical like the first one.
To our great leader Red I leave my undying respect, likely to die along with me. To prevent this from occurring, I took the liberty of printing up forty-thousand photoshopped fliers of me and him together, so that everyone might know that we’re the bestest of buddies
To my fellow robot Hadrian, I leave my beloved vox inducer! Even with me gone, I’m sure he will appreciate knowing that my brilliant words of wisdom can follow him around forever. I also want him to have this data slate that I’ve programmed with the hardest riddle I have ever found. I know one day he will be able to answer what I never could.
To Mr. Quaint I leave a t-Shirt… Pay no attention to the giant target painted on the back and never remove the GPS homing beacon sewn into the collar that may or may not be attached to a giant missile…
And to Inquisiator Sand I leave my autographed ’ark Tusk. A memento of our triumph back on that place where we did that thing… How I never forgot whatever it was that happened… and now I know he will too… or something…
Lastly, I want all my remaining possessions except my medallion to be burned because they are too good to be in the hands of any of you unworthy people. I wish that my medallion be passed on to my good friend, Inqusiator Volk. I know he’ll understand what to do with it.
Well that should be it. I won’t bore you wiith any long speeches or anything, so I’ll just say this. No matter what happens, whether I live or die or have revealing pictures pop up on the internet, know one thing… that I am totally and undeniably more awesome than Sebastian, no matter what lies he’s told you! And you can take that to the grave…
I know I will…
Good bye Diary….